Perhaps no one exemplified this melange of ingenuous depravity better than
Paul Lynde. Looking back, how did this big ole gay be so fabulously
out in this mainstream mainstay? I didn't really know what homosexuality was or what it was all about back then, but somehow, Paul Lynde managed to let fourth-grade me in on a joke I couldn't really understand, but still found hilarious. That's what true fabulousness does: it transcends borders, language, and cognitive understanding. That's what dams do. We don't always know why we love them, but we do.
Here's a taste of what Mr. Lynde dished out back then. It still holds up (especially if you can hear his inimitable chuckling delivery in your head).
Q: You're the world's most popular fruit. What are you?
Lynde: Humble.
Q: What is said to be wasted on the young?
Lynde: A whipping.
Q: What is the most abused and neglected part of the body?
Lynde: Well, mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q: What is a "dual purpose cow?"
Lynde: It gives milk and cookies. But I wouldn't recommend the cookies.
Q: Why do the Hells Angels wear leather?
Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: Which is better looking, a pixie or a fairy?
Lynde: I'll go for the fairy.
Q: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Lynde: I don't have a third choice?
Q: Paul, how many men on a hockey team?
Lynde: Oh, about half.
Q: Why was Nathan Hale hung?
Lynde: Heredity.
Q: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue is a weirdo!
Q: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Lynde: Well, it's easier to steer.
Q: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?
Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up.
Q: True or false: in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate.
Lynde: Yes, but they went on to win in three other categories.
Q: True or false: Paul Revere had sixteen children.
Lynde: From one midnight ride?
Q: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.
Q: If a man falls overboard on a ship, you yell "Man overboard". What do you say if a woman falls overboard?
Lynde: Full speed ahead.
Q: Where are you most likely to find heather on the ground?
Lynde: At the company picnic.
*I also had a lot of affection for
Brett Somers, Jack Klugman's wife and a throaty broad I guessed palled around with Charles Nelson Reilly in
Match Game's Green Room. Not a stunner, but she was kinda sexy and seemed confident, self-possessed and always seemed like a roll-with-the-punches type who'd also give out a good punch if called upon. I wouldn't want to get on her bad side, but if she took a shine to you, Brett Somers seemed like a fun, funny dame to have around.
