The Lost Art of Being a Dame

Madonna and I Have So Much in Common

From USA TODAY:

"I wasn't a hippie or a stoner so I ended up being the weirdo. I was interested in classical ballet and music, so the kids were quite mean if you were different. I was one of those people that people were mean to. When that happened, instead of being a doormat, I decided to emphasize my differences." --- Madonna

For me it was old movies and jazz, but I was on the business end of mean too. I wish I'd been as confident and assured as Madonna back then. While I too embraced my differences, I was in that awful twilight zone where you keep being and doing the things that make you a "weirdo," but at the same time you remain hurt and affecetd by others' actions and opinions.

But I'm all better now. And I did it without fame, the Kabbalah, or a "Sex" book to call my own. (Yet.)

*Thanks to Anastasia Goodstein for ferreting out this quote.

What Would Maisie Do?

Maisie -- the unsung-est of all the unsung dames.

In the late '30's and throughout most of the 1940's, M-G-M produced a series of movies centering around the character Maisie Ravier. It was originally slated to be one movie, MAISIE, starring Jean Harlow, but Harlow's death meant that Ann Sothern took over. The character proved to be so popular the series went on to have 9 more follow-up films, including MAISIE GETS HER MAN, GOLD RUSH MAISIE, CONGO MAISIE, MAISIE GOES TO RENO, and my personal favorite, SWINGSHIFT MAISIE.

Ann Sothern is completely natural as this quintessential dame (rather than coming across as an actress playing a dame). The Maisie character is everything a dame should be: comfortable in her own skin, resilient, self-reliant, tough, soft-hearted, sexy, wise, and quick with a quip. Maisie was "a sweetheart with bite," writes Monica Sullivan, "She took no nonsense from anyone, was impervious to wolves, loved guys she could help in some way, was a great friend to other women: Who wouldn't want "Maisie" around?" She was so good at the character Sothern went on to play similar roles in DULCY and PANAMA HATTIE.

It's a shame that almost no one knows these films today. Though they may not be classics, Maisie provides a great lesson for women in how to negotiate the world. While she might struck some as being a rather unsophisticated model not worth emulating, I find her attitude toward life and the circumstances she encounters to be a perfect blend of idealism, cynicism, practicality, sentimentality, glamour and guts. I wish Maisie were my fairy godmother, or at least my next-door neighbor. But I'll have to settle for Maisie as muse, and use "WWMD?" (What Would Maisie Do?) as a touchstone for living life with verve, self-assurance, kindness, independence, and optimism.

We Must, We Must, We Must Think Hard About Our Bust

This just in: Apparently the most competitive domain name up for auction this week is (sigh): breastenlargementhypnosis.com.

Seth Godin sees this as horrible because of the trickery involved bilking hopeful girls and women. But I am horrified -- well, sad really -- that there is such a demand for bigger breasts. Again, I don't see ng>dames reclining for hours, eyes closed, brows knitted, intoning over and over, "bigger bosoms, bigger bosoms." (Anyway, if one COULD enlargen one's breasts through focused hope and diligent concentration, I'd have had ginormous breasts for the last 25 years.)

Do any of y'all remember Mark Eden? I used to tear out his ads when I was 9 or 10 and I came so close to sending away for his bosom boosting kits back in the '70's. (WHY is a fourth-grader reading Cosmo and tearing out as for bust-enhancing devices you ask? ng>Don't.) There was always some beautifully bosomed girl and lots of text promising results. I heard a rumor that some woman had ordered the kit and all she got in the email was a rubber hand. (I totally bought that story at the time, but now I'm suspicious.) At least I never actually bought the actual product. Luckily, even as a youngster I had my erstwhile twin faculties: cheapness and cynicism. Those 2 c's outweighed my hefty yearning for some, well, hefty C's.

After all these years I was intrigued to finally see what the thing actually looks like. So, it turns out it's not a magic pump or a magic cream at all. Just a pink piece of shit. Still, it is rather vagina dentata-ish...

Hmmm, I'd like to some-orafice-dentata that Mark Eden if I ever meet him in a dark alley. Mark Eden, you've been warned!

Hell, Meet Handbasket. Handbasket, Meet Hell.

Hey! You know what's really, really great about being a dame? You're not a bimbo, that's what.

For reasons I don't fully comprehend, and that make me want to smack somebody up 'side the head, there's this new popular online game for girls called Miss Bimbo.

“Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!” So exhorts the game where girls try to make their avatars into the biggest bimbos "across the globe." Miss Bimbo is popular in the UK, with about 200,00 players, "mostly girls ages nine to 16” (mostly girls?) who are required to maintain their characters' weights with pills and crash diets. Plastic surgery isn’t mandatory, but it is encouraged.

This this right here, that's the confidence, self-reliance, sexiness and substance of a dame. And see that way, way, way over there. That's this horrible game. It might be funny as satire, except that these tweens are not playing with irony. I doubt its creators are all that ironic either. They are business people who saw a need and filled it.

What I want to do is wipe out that need.

Where Have All the Dames Gone?

I grew up watching and being inspired by the women I saw in those old black and white 30's and 40's movies. Women like Claudette Colbert, Ginger Rogers, Barbara Stanwyck, Myrna Loy, Paulette Goddard, Rosalind Russell, Lauren Bacall, Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Jean Harlow -- all dames. Dames were self-reliant, they were funny, they were straight-forward (though they could bend the truth when necessary), they were smart, they were sexy, and they didn't take themselves too seriously.

Today, most of the women populating popular culture are vapid at best, and stark-raving nuts at worst. They're largely dumb, self-obsessed, substance abusing, promiscuous, lacking in self-respect and underwear. In fact, their stock in trade is actually BEING dumb, crazy, and promiscuous. (If you think I'm wrong, ask yourself: Right now, in 2008, what is Britney famous for? What is Lindsay famous for? What is Paris famous for?)

I miss dames. I want to see more dames. And I want to see more dame-ness in myself. When confronted with a situation or problem, I like to ask, "What would Myrna do?" When I find myself acting coy or self-abnegating or coquettish or simply "less-than," I confront myself with, "Is this how Barbara Stanwyck would do?" (And if the answer is no, I immediately "dame up.")

So I'm writing a book called, The Lost Art of Being a Dame. In an era when standards about what it is to be female are either cracked or creaky, I suggest we brush off the cobwebs and take another look at a model that embraces authenticity, independence, confidence, compassion, wit, wisdom, strength, sexuality and style. It’s time the “dame” was resurrected, and her unique blend of substance and style was newly celebrated and cultivated.

Part self-help, part memoir, part pop culture, part relationship and style, The Lost Art of Being a Dame encourages girls and women to really own the entire span of their feminine arsenals. Helping readers channel the “dame within,” The Lost Art of Being a Dame is a guide to the lost art of living life with poise, brains, gumption, and style.

I really want to hear from you. What are your thoughts on dame-ness? Is it a lost art? What makes a dame? How can one foster dameness in oneself? What are your favorite dame sayings, and who are your favorite dames?

In the meantime, let's all dame up.