The Lost Art of Being a Dame

We Must, We Must, We Must Think Hard About Our Bust

This just in: Apparently the most competitive domain name up for auction this week is (sigh): breastenlargementhypnosis.com.

Seth Godin sees this as horrible because of the trickery involved bilking hopeful girls and women. But I am horrified -- well, sad really -- that there is such a demand for bigger breasts. Again, I don't see ng>dames reclining for hours, eyes closed, brows knitted, intoning over and over, "bigger bosoms, bigger bosoms." (Anyway, if one COULD enlargen one's breasts through focused hope and diligent concentration, I'd have had ginormous breasts for the last 25 years.)

Do any of y'all remember Mark Eden? I used to tear out his ads when I was 9 or 10 and I came so close to sending away for his bosom boosting kits back in the '70's. (WHY is a fourth-grader reading Cosmo and tearing out as for bust-enhancing devices you ask? ng>Don't.) There was always some beautifully bosomed girl and lots of text promising results. I heard a rumor that some woman had ordered the kit and all she got in the email was a rubber hand. (I totally bought that story at the time, but now I'm suspicious.) At least I never actually bought the actual product. Luckily, even as a youngster I had my erstwhile twin faculties: cheapness and cynicism. Those 2 c's outweighed my hefty yearning for some, well, hefty C's.

After all these years I was intrigued to finally see what the thing actually looks like. So, it turns out it's not a magic pump or a magic cream at all. Just a pink piece of shit. Still, it is rather vagina dentata-ish...

Hmmm, I'd like to some-orafice-dentata that Mark Eden if I ever meet him in a dark alley. Mark Eden, you've been warned!

Hell, Meet Handbasket. Handbasket, Meet Hell.

Hey! You know what's really, really great about being a dame? You're not a bimbo, that's what.

For reasons I don't fully comprehend, and that make me want to smack somebody up 'side the head, there's this new popular online game for girls called Miss Bimbo.

“Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!” So exhorts the game where girls try to make their avatars into the biggest bimbos "across the globe." Miss Bimbo is popular in the UK, with about 200,00 players, "mostly girls ages nine to 16” (mostly girls?) who are required to maintain their characters' weights with pills and crash diets. Plastic surgery isn’t mandatory, but it is encouraged.

This this right here, that's the confidence, self-reliance, sexiness and substance of a dame. And see that way, way, way over there. That's this horrible game. It might be funny as satire, except that these tweens are not playing with irony. I doubt its creators are all that ironic either. They are business people who saw a need and filled it.

What I want to do is wipe out that need.